Friday, July 20, 2012

Jealous Guy

Hey Jude,

You are now a whopping five months old and I am a whopping five months wiser. Your fourth month was a struggle for both of us, and as much as I strive to treasure every moment with you, it's better we leave Month Four alone for a while. At least until the healing balm of laughter can be applied to it. And usually, the ability to laugh at oneself comes with time and distance. I will give Month Four both.

The thrill your smile gives me these days cannot be described. I don't have anything to compare to the unadulterated joy that rises up from the center of my being and travels up only to present itself to the outside world in high-pitched nonsense squeals and other unintelligible sounds and maniacal dances.

The problem I'm having is that you're not so discriminatory when it comes to handing out the precious gems of your smile. You will charm most anyone who pays you attention. You also have a growing fan base at church, the school your dad and I work at, in the neighborhood where we take walks, and a number of anonymous sidewalk admirers. But you smile most often and most unreservedly for your grandmother. You search the room for her when you hear her voice. Your face just lights up whenever she calls your name. You are developing a close and beautiful relationship with her. You are so loved.

And I am so jealous. Sometimes I worry you might think she is your mom. Sometimes I worry I'm relying too much on her help to make it through the day. Sometimes I worry you enjoy your time with her the most and you only truly relax when you're with her. Sometimes I worry your first word will be some version of 할머니 rather than Momma. Sometimes I worry you will want to spend your time with someone other than me.

Jude, you've murdered my shoulders and my back with your demand to be held most of the time and in a certain position all of the time. But I find myself taking you from other people just to hold you myself. Even though it's painful! Because I love the weight of you in my arms. I cherish the way your chin digs into my shoulder when you've finally given up and fallen asleep. I love your little dimpled fingers wrapped in my hair and around my arm. I love the way your long legs dangle down the front of my body with your feet bouncing around my waist. Most of all, I love it when you twist around and put your cheek to my cheek and just rest there. It breaks my back, Jude, but I love holding you and cuddling you. And these days, I'm loathe to share you.

I know this jealousy is ridiculous. I try to keep it under wraps most of the time and it is tempered by my gratitude towards the amazing people who are loving you and taking care of you and helping me be a better mother. But I want you to love me best. And baby, I'm doing my best to deserve it.

Even so, "I'm just a jealous guy."

Your one and only,


Diana E. Sung said...

Sweet :-) Four months was shockingly hard on us, too. But it gets better quickly.

In two months, he'll have stranger anxiety and you'll wish he were still sweetly smiling at everyone so you could still go to the bathroom without him crying that you've abandoned him.

Bethany G said...

Just found your blog!
I have a Jude too! :)

Jen said...

Aww~ Super sweet post, friend. You are doing so well with your Jude. We were not so sad to wave bye-bye to four months either. I love his little smile. ALso, he will always love mommy the most no matter what! I can't wait to read what he writes someday as he will definitely inherit your writing ability. I'm happy we're on the same side of the world together now -- even if still really far away :)

Anna said...

I wish there were some words I could unearth, containing a Deep Magic that would dispel all your very normal, natural and sweet Mommy-worries... He will ALWAYS love you best. Maybe he smiles and loves on people because he's a baby and most babies do the same thing, or maybe he is open and loving towards people because YOU are the same way. (you are) Regardless, no amount of Grandma or stranger loving can cancel out the oh-so-strong bond you will always share with your handsome little man. :D Love you guys!

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