Thursday, May 3, 2012

Beautiful Boy

Hey Jude,

As I'm writing this, you are 11 weeks and a day old. When you grow up, get married and have your own children, you won't ask me where the first 11 weeks went and why I didn't write before now.

As I'm writing this, you are nursing and napping. I'm thankful that I get to sit down and relax with you like this throughout the day. Breastfeeding you has been difficult but worth every frustrated minute of it. I would do it all over again just to have these few precious moments with you. We have had to work hard to get to this place, but I just kept at it because it was important to me. I'm not sure why I thought I would die if I didn't get to breastfeed you, but that's how I felt when we were struggling to figure it all out. And I think I'm doing an adequate job because we're both still alive.

As I'm writing this, I'm so proud of us. For so many reasons, but two in particular. First, we flew from Tennessee back to Seoul yesterday. You were incredible. I had prayed again and again that the trip home would be as smooth coming as it was going. It was better because I was better. I am better at being your mom, better at letting you cry without worrying it means I'm failing, better at putting you first. You got fussy around the sixth hour of the 13 hour flight, but it was warranted. I mean, six hours into anything and I feel like crying too. You settled down and slept for a few hours at the end, and it only took me 8 hours to get through the two hour in-flight movie. You impressed me. You are not yet three months old and already you've crossed the world twice!

Second, we went to the grocery store by ourselves today for the first time. I put you in your little carrier and you slept the entire time! While I was shopping in the refrigerated sections, all the women who work there kept coming up and grabbing your feet while asking me (more like telling me) if you were cold. I told them you were fine and when they touched your feet they all exclaimed how warm they were. You will understand why your warm feet gave me such satisfaction when you grow older and begin to understand Korean society. Anyway, we got everything we needed plus some Baskin Robbins because the AC was out on the fourth floor (successful ploy, Baskin Robbins, successful ploy!). We got back home in time for your Daddy to help us upstairs with the groceries and he was proud of us (a little shocked at our success) too.

As I'm writing this, I'm watching you sleep and I keep thinking about the line John Lennon wrote in his song "Beautiful Boy" to his son Sean: "Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans." This is true, my darling boy. You happened to us while we were so busy making ENTIRELY OTHER plans and it has taken me 11 weeks to figure out that you're exactly what I wanted. You're also named partly after another song, The Beatles' "Hey Jude." There is a line I sing to you whenever things aren't smooth and we're both feeling fragile and frayed. "Take a sad song, and make it better." Jude, you make all my sad songs better. One smile from you and I forget all the sleep I'm missing and how much of my life is left undone.

And as I'm writing this, "Every day in every way is getting better and better. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boy."

All my loving,

1 comment:

jamie said...

awwh Danielle...this is beautiful! There's nothing like a sweet baby boy falling asleep in your arms...nothing! Well said. love you. Can't wait to meet him one day. jamie

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