Friday, May 11, 2012

Because

Hey Jude,

When I was pregnant with you, I experienced a time of deep sadness. I found myself in a place that a lot of people call depression. I'm sure some people might wonder why I would share that dark corner with you, but I don't want to hide the hard things. I don't know why I felt so sad for so long. It had a lot to do with being far away from my family, especially my mom. It also had a lot to do with the fact that I wasn't prepared to be a mother. I was scared I would ruin you or not be able to give you what you need. Anyway, I was sad. I cried a lot, sometimes all day. I slept whenever I could because it made time go faster.

During this time, I had to learn to accept help. It was Christmas time and your Lovie and GrandBob and Aunt Holly sent amazing gifts that made Christmas in Korea special. But I wasn't able to send anything other than cards in return. Our good friends Sandra and Philip shared so many things with us and offered us so much support and encouragement. I felt I couldn't reciprocate that comfort, especially emotionally. Your father was amazing, allowing me to feel what I felt without reproach or shame. The hardest part of my depression was letting people help me out of it. I was clearly in a place of need and clearly incapable of giving to others in the same way or even at all.

I am a rule-follower–( you are most likely painfully aware of this by now)–a firm believer in the give and take. I often thought of the Beatles lyric, "And, in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make." But in this case, there were no rules for me to follow, especially since I realized I had to disagree with The Beatles. Depression and sadness don't come with a manual. I felt alone and isolated and so very needy. Thankfully I was surrounded by people who were willing to give without expecting anything in return. This was an example of how I struggled to accept God's grace and love in my life.

Jude, there is no such thing as merit when it comes to God's love. Through the generosity of the people in my life then, God forced me to recognize the conditions I had to fulfill to receive his love: I had to be. Just be.

And this is how I know that God is Mother, as well as Father. Because all you had to do was be. I love you with abandon and without boundary. You deserve every ounce of it, just because you are. You are.

You will grow up quicker than I'd like and faster than I'm prepared for. You will try things, succeed at some and fail at others. Those things, whatever they may be, no matter how great or amazing, will not measure your worth or make you more (or less) deserving of my love. Your simple act of being in this world as my son is enough. You will always be enough.

I hope you feel the force of my love in your life. I hope you never doubt it for a moment, never second-guess it. I pray you know that love is a mirror for Real Love. He knitted you together in my womb, knew you before I did, and his Love will never be outdone, no matter how hard I try.

"Love is old, Love is new.
Love is all, Love is you."

All my loving,
Momma

2 comments:

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Love, love, love this.

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